What now?

We all have experienced things we thought we'll never get over and get stuck in that forever because we feel like it's the end of the world. I've experienced that too. I was in a relationship and we're still in the get-to-know stage but there's just something in the relationship that's not working. Maybe I don't like the feeling of being with someone who's messed up because I wasn't. It was hard for me to cope up and to understand. It was hard to be the better person, for sure.

But, I'm not talking about the break up because this one's about what happened next right after that. Honestly, I made myself look a fool too many times. I ran after this person and begged for this person to come back. I cried every night because I was wondering why things turned out this way and I could have done better. The thing is when we're experiencing these bad things, we tend to think that we won't be able to survive this storm. We feel like the pain will never go away. But it does, it always does.

One day, I woke up and I had no tears left. That day I realized that I don't deserve to feel this way because I gave my everything and I did all the things I can just to try to save the relationship so it wasn't my fault why it ended that way. It was weird but I felt... relief at the back of my heart. I became happy that it ended because it was unhealthy and toxic. Things will just become worse if it didn't end.

The question is.... what now?

When I bounced back from this break up, I lost a huge part of who I was. It's not the same person anymore. I hated messed up people because they're hard to comprehend or even to crack their codes but after this bad break up, it turned out I was already one of them. I don't want to be alone before. I always find a companion that can take the pain away but now, I shut everyone. I can handle myself and survive the chaos inside me independently. I'm the only person who can help myself so I don't need anyone. I also used to give my everything when I meet someone who shows care and affection. Some people even told me that I fall in love so easily. But now? I don't feel anything anymore. I feel numb. Some people say flowery words to me which I really wanted to hear back then but right now I couldn't feel anything. I used to say I love yous and I'm sorry but people just take advantage of that most of the time. When you're completely in love and you gave every little bit of you, they end up leaving you like you meant nothing. People just always tend to let you down that's why I try not to need anything from anyone.